Thursday, April 1, 2010

How to Manage your Spaghetti Tree

Now and then I get a lot of questions about how to make a spaghetti tree really thrive. Here's what I like to do:

1) Set up your stereo speakers near a window and blast Louis Prima and Frank Sinatra for a week. Turn the music down at night so as not to annoy the neighbors.

2) Most spaghetti trees are Catholic so set up a way in which they can express their religiosity. Since they can't move, build a small table out near the tree so that you can set up a proper shrine. Mexican groceries sell those Virgin Mary candles for pretty cheap. Buy about ten, grab a cross and you've got your spaghetti tree set up for worship.

3) Don't plant too many in one spot. Spaghetti trees should be limited to one or two per yard. They tend to like to conspire and take over. Pretty soon they'll be intimidating your neighbor's apple trees and charging "fees" for apple picking.

4) Fertilize, fertilize, fertilize. I use Parmigiano-Reggiano. DO NOT use mozzarella. It gets clumpy and it doesn't absorb properly into the tomato sauce.

5) Water only with wine. A good, woody chianti, a well-rounded cab. Avoid whites and blushes. Spaghetti trees are snobs and for God Sakes do not water with those three dollar Trader Joe wines! Are you trying to kill your spaghetti tree or what?

Happy Planting.

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